Iain Duncan Smith;s Diary

Iain here, The IDS fucking A, the A stands for ace! Following my classic April fools prank I am being forced by the Conservative party to take up the challenge of living on £53 a week, i lol'd on Thatcher's sandwich, punched the table and stood up to the challenge because I'm the K to the I to the N G, motherfuckers! 

Tuesday 2nd April 2013, Piss Street

Well i moved into the bedsit this morning for my challenge, and to be honest, it's like a fucking holiday being away from the bastard farm yard animals anyway, that cockrell had just one more morning to wake me up i tell you! If i ever catch that cock!! I swear! I'll squeeze it so fucking hard.

So anyway, I've been playing with my calculator, hehe i made the word boobies by writing 5318008!! Made my day that did. I nearly knocked one out right there! Once i calmed down i decided to split my £53 over seven days, bargain, £7.57 budget per day, I can easily go to the shop now and get a weeks shopping for a tenner, I'll live on ham sandwiches and Pot Noodles. Easy. That's what the chavs like anyway init? I could even go crazy and mix them. Sorted bruv.

Right so I went to the shop and bought a loaf of bread (daily bread like Jesus should be delivering i reckon) butter, ham and 7 pot noodles. Only thing was i went over my budget, spent £16.24, fucking rip off! But it's ok, I'll be fine with £36.76... 

Wednesday 3rd April 2013, Da King eating King Pot Noodles for breakfast

That's right, A bombay Badboy for brekkie, my Butler would have a seizure if he saw me now, I'm a god damn rebel, I'm just gonna chill for the rest of the day whilst texting my misses, Liz (I miss you hehehehe)! Happy times :D I'm not even putting my pants on, leaving the window open and letting things fly.

Thursday 4th April 2013, Confused as fuck

Everytime i try and text Liz it's failing, what does it mean? i got signal! a man caught me by the window naked making sure i did have signal harhar! :s everytime i try to phone her it's going to India and i can't understand. i took it open and i couldn't see the money slot, aww screw it. Who needs a phone anyway? If i was a real doley, I'd get a job by walking into an establishment where i wanted work and i would demand a job and wait until they grant me one. so I don't think i need a phone anyway.

I'm getting sick of Pot Noodles and Ham sandwiches already, I've been ripping up my ham and bread in the Pot Noodle to making it a bit more interesting, gonna have to go shopping again, kinda bored not getting on the wine and dinner parties so been eating like fuck. i don't think there's much in these Pot Noodles, i got no energy, so screw them, I'm going to the shop in my onsie, they're cool now right? Think I'll get sausage rolls and cheese this time, ohh and a cheap bottle of wine, i can't stick water anymore!I asked the nice lady in the shop about my phone and she said i needed to top it up, so i got the cheapest £10 credit and the shopping came to a staggering: £19.00 so I'm left with £17.76. Bah it'll be fine, just a few more days to do, I'll have sausage roll and cheese sandwiches if i have to :D BEWSH! Newsgroup!! 

Friday 5th April 2013, Tv is making me crazy

Shit me I'm bored, I've only got four bastard channels to select from, what's all that about?! My wine's all gone and i only got £2 credit left in my phone. What's a fool gonna do on a Friday night with just a couple of quid? Bah, i can do this! I CAN DO THUS!!

Hahahaha I've been having heaps of fun flashing my arse at passers by, but I'm a bit scared because a guy saw me and phoned someone whilst running away so i think he's gonna be coming back with more people or he's phoned the police, I'll let you know what happens :s i was only playing! Time to lay down low and watch tv again. Eastenders is on in a minute anyway! :D

Well nothing came of my mooning anyway, so that's grand, tv has pretty much finished for me tonight though so i think I'll go down the shop and get another bottle of wine, i noticed i need to get some shower gel and deodorant though, forgot about that, i smell quite similar to a Llama's behind at the moment, in the nicest possible way anyway. £9.56 in the shop, £9.56, leaving me with £8.20. I'm just gonna sink this wine now... 

Saturday 6th April 2013, Hangover to shit

That wine was so cheap and nasty that even every hair on my body is hurting, i rhelllllyyy need a good old English fry up. Gah. But it'll have to be sausage rolls and cheese for me...I've only dressed today because it's fucking freezing in here and i was gonna go to the shop again to top up but i haven't got enough money. fuck it, fuck it allllllll.

If i give up now because i got £8.20 left will that mean i passed the challenge? It's just I'm so fucking bored now. I proved that if you're selective with your food you can live off the money etc etc People on the dole don't pay for anything else right? their heating and all that is in yeah? i don't fucking know. it can be done though. see. I got £8.20 left. that's almost two double vodkas and Red Bull that is! S'not bad son!!

I texted my wife and she said i can't finish yet :( I got to finish the challenge like. Fucking shit. 

Sunday 7th April 2013, Nuh

The sausage rolls are gone and cheese sandwiches are making me angry, I've been putting the bread between the cheese slices for fun but they still taste horrendous! so shoppio!!

I got 26p change from the shop just tonight and tomorrow to go so got another bottle of wine (i won't learn) ham and a packet of crisps! :DI threw a slice of bread at a boy passing by earlier and hid under the window sill, he spun around confused for ages and took the slice with him hahahhahahahahaha! I bet he's gonna eat it or test it for aliens :D I just made a child's night boys.The wine is gone and i can't get more, why is the wine gone!?! I'm going to bed. 

Monday 8th April, the last day :D

Feeling great today, I've pretty much completed the challenge, all i need to do now is wake up in the morning, punch the first person i see with 26p in my hand then it's in your face the UK! Come to think of it though, don't people have to pay water, gas, electric, tv license with this money too? nah that's just stupid... I'm crazy because that wine is fucking shit, they must have squeezed the grapes off a hobos arse or something! hahahaha. Eww. i drunk that shit :s feck. 

Tuesday 9th April I R Weiner!

I completed the challenge! £53 a week guys, easy. I could do this for a month bachs! Fucka you!!

"Write a story about Bruce Bogtrotters life after Matilda"

Bruce Bogtrotter, everyone remembers the fat gross curly haired kid who ate a whole chocolate cake made of blood, sweat and tears, it looked delicious and the ungrateful rat took way too long to get hat down his gullet, spoilt, that’s what he is!

Ever since their family moved to the US of A they have been Bog trotting champions in their town. They’ve won every year for the last 200 years. Hell, that’s where they got the name, money and z-list fame.

To win the Bogtrotter race, a couple of entrees must basically run a race with their trousers round their legs and a toilet seat around their head and they got to run whilst holding the toilet seat up. It was difficult yet funny to watch because it was also quite dangerous not having hands to fall on if your trousers tripped you. Which they did a lot.

Bruce’s parents were lazy twats, they mostly just locked him in the house and went about their lives, Bruce learnt most of his life lessons from food packaging. My God, he even thought that frowning at food would turn it bad.

He learnt from food packing how to love his family, well, how to look like he loves his family. Y’know, sitting on the settee, smiling near a human. Didn’t know how to do that normal, in his fantasies about it he still feels sad and just pouts.

This never set him back in landing other opportunities in films, like the Wedding singer and the Willy Wonka factory remake!

Of course, Bogtrotter was the fat kid in the pipe, who else could have been cast for that crap?!!! Just Bruce, probably.

Apparently, he generally was actually psychically stuck in the pipe for seventeen days and the suction just kept on suckling, when he eventually got out, the pipe had sucked all his hair off!

Poor Bruce, bald, incontinent and has a nervous twitch where his arm rises and his head tilts quickly and he shouts, “jelly tots” randomly.

Turns out his incontinence was due to diabetes! Nothing great ever happened to Bruce, he even lost a toe because of it, which he kept floating in a cup of water. It was foul, the toe was black and rank smelling.

It was cool though, having diabetes, meant he had first choice of food in high school, doctors note and everything. He presented it proudly to all the normal sized students every day, twelve o clock on the dot. He was basically first anyway.

Bullied constantly, limping, twitching, pissing himself, fat Bruce had crap from everyone. Not to mention that he was bald at twelve. He was a walking and talking laugh.

He thought college would be well different, poor twat was well excited to learn in a mature environment. Pah! It was the exact same, just a few new faces and insults.

They used to shout about all the children starving in Africa and how it was his fault and how even been accused of eating a person.

The Police even tested his stool following reports from parents.

Like he is so huge, they thought he could have swallowed another kid whole.

A snake he was not.

He’s always been empowered by tea, the little special leaves, handpicked, he thought the hand had chosen him to be the giant unstoppable eating machine just because he sometimes had a cup of tea for breakfast.

It started when he got a habit of snorting sugar to rebel against the hand and try and loose a shed ton of weight. Irony. Bruce loved the sugar rock. Noice!

He began trying to sell his sugar to others and gained a few dodgy friends. He used to crush the sugar so it looked a little chalky but it didn’t really do anything, probably could cause maggots in the brain like.

The sugar made him more nuts mentally though, he’d get really hyper and flip out, he punched a dick off a guy, seriously, it full out popped off with a punch. Through the zipper. No screams, no blood, just a clean move of dick and shocked faces all around.

Bruce realised that the sugar was giving him metal magic powers. He was solid and could pop off genitals like it was nothing.

He screamed in a girl’s face and her eyes fucking exploded, popped in his face, blind for the rest of her days, and he didn’t even get done for it, prove it was him like, nope.

Phone the police on me for popping off dicks, nothing they can do. Prove it.

Bruce was relentless, all he did was snort and play up with anyone stupid enough to be around him.

Bruce pulled on his own nipples so hard that Mark’s nips became like bananas hanging from his chest. Prove it bitch. He didn’t lay a finger on him. They just swelled at the same moment as him pulling his.

“His tits are just bananas, what can I say?” He explained, kind of.

The filth laughed it off, this kid is a bit strange, not dangerous, just nuts.

He’s hung out at bars and took home desperate women or men, even goats and would force them to race him in their trousers around their ankles around the house, if they wouldn’t he’d threaten to remove their big toe thus stopping them wearing flip flops forever.

Some would argue that preventing flip flops was the work of a hero and so did Bruce. Of course, none of these people wanted to race this guy in their underwear but I never really heard of many people actually losing toes so he probably never followed through anyway. Useless.